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[fuck1ngusernam3]

Beep. Whatever. 

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[lumberlady]

[Finally taking permission to actually sit, Konoha folds her legs beneath her and lumbers down to her side, putting her on a better level to lean against the mattress and pet Sumo more vigorously, using both hands to play with his ears as she frowns in thought.]

Of course I am- I'm scared of bears, too. And big roots and mole holes.

[You know... things that can kill and eat or break jinba legs.]

What's kale?

[And a "haunted hause"- you can make those?]

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Gross. Tastes like ass.

[And that, children, is your lesson on kale for the day.]

But, no. Just cause I'm not scared of easy stuff like you doesn't mean I don't get scared.

[Hank's totally willing to let the conversation just die there, just sit here for a while and try to vice-grip the headache away while she bonds with his dog. Sumo's probably loving this. Hank doesn't bother to look up to check, although he is absolutely right. Sumo's having a great time. Hey, at least one of them is.]

[lumberlady]

[Okay... so it's a food. A gross tasting food. Well... that's something!]

Mole holes aren't "easy stuff" when you have four legs...

[And a heavy, heavy lower body that can't be supported by much less than four very healthy and un-sprained ankles. Though she grumbles a bit over that, she doesn't actually seem to take much offense, letting Hank grump in silence for a moment while she keeps tousling Sumo's ears.

Eventually, though, she twists at the waist to look back at Hank.]

Can I feed him... ?

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Sure, go wild. Bowl's over there.

[He tilts his head toward the bowl of kibble, or whatever the fuck it is they feed him, not looking up and not about to get up and get it for her.]

Why are you doing this, anyway, if dogs scare you so much? If dogs freaked me out I sure as hell wouldn't be feeding one.

[lumberlady]

[What... does a bowl have to do with anything? Let alone that... weird hard stuff? Konoha just stares at in confusion for a moment, blinking, before clapping her hands together... and using Acata's power to unveil a small hank of venison in her palms that she holds out for Sumo.

Medieval Japan doesn't know about kibble yet. Dogs get scraps of meat, so honestly Sumo is being super spoiled right now as far as she's concern, this wasn't even offal it's thigh meat!!!]

Because I don't want to be scared of dogs... you said it. It's silly.

[... Sort of.]

Besides, Connor said so much good stuff about him.

[fuck1ngusernam3]

[Hank’s head snaps up at the clap and he frowns, watching her as he talks.]

I didn’t say it was silly, I said it was easy. You see a dog, you leave and, boom, it’s all taken care of.

[Sumo seems like he’s enjoying the meat, but still-]

Don’t give him too much of that, okay? I don’t know if Sumo’s had raw meat in... uh, ever, maybe. I don’t know if, uh, a lot’s gonna mess his system up.

[lumberlady]

... What do you feed him if not meat?

[Eight million myriad of gods, what are "modern" people feeding their dogs??? Didn't Akira give his some weird "hamburg" thing? Whatever that was?

Also- it's not easy??? Dogs and wolves chase you, Hank.]

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Hell if I know, nutrients and shit. [He waves a hand toward the bowl, setting his cheek in his hand and looking at the floor again.] Told you, it's over there. You really see me goin out and spending hours killing shit just so my dog can eat?

[lumberlady]

I don't know... Your world is crazy to me.

[Like, beyond crazy.]

You make people out of metal, and fly... I'm sure you can just buy all the meat you want, can't you?

[Someone told her about grocery stores. Insane.]

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Well yeah, but there's all sorts of shit you have to make sure you feed em and, I don't know, I couldn't even keep up with that shit when I first got him. Why, you thinking of getting a dog yourself, want me to write up a little users manual for you?

[lumberlady]

Oh, no, no, no-

[Konoha shakes her head vigorously, even as she offers Sumo the meat.]

I've only ever kept chickens, I shouldn't have anything else.

[... though to be honest, chickens were cute and all, but she doesn't need any more. They peck.]

I'm better with babies than animals, I think, but no one here has any babies...

[fuck1ngusernam3]

[Now that gets Hank's attention. Sort of. Enough to distract him from the headache and the tired, weird feeling of hanging out with someone who isn't even here to see him. It gets enough of Hank's attention, anyway, that he sounds less careless and a little more curious, just for a second.]

Shouldn't, huh? Why's that? You and animals, you'd think it'd be, you know. A natural fit.

[lumberlady]

I'm not an animal. There's nothing natural about it.

[Konoha is pretty sure she's already told him that like... maybe more than once, so she's justified in frowning over it. Even as... her very equine tail flicks beneath her skirt.]

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Sure, whatever.

[On good days - or more okay days, maybe - he might give a shit about listening to other viewpoints, being considerate, all that stupid shit. But today? Nah. He doesn't give enough of a shit to listen to her, and he doesn't give enough of a shit to argue about it. He just shrugs a shoulder, slumping back against the wall behind him.]

But neither am I, except uh, technically, I guess, and I still got a dog. You just like chickens better, or what?

[lumberlady]

That's because some people are good with animals and some aren't, right?

[And Sumo is a nice dog, just like Connor said, and maybe it was because he was old, but she at least gets along with him even though she hadn't with her fellow villagers' dogs...]

They lay eggs, is all. And then you can eat them. I mean, I guess you can eat dog, too, but...

[fuck1ngusernam3]

[Hank frowns.

Hank stares at her.]

You really don't have a hang of this 'pet' thing, do you? Cause that's, uh. That's not what it means. That's not even a little bit what it means.

[lumberlady]

It's like... an animal you don't eat, right? And you keep it in your bed with you.

[... She definitely doesn't get what it means.

But that's what you get living in a rural farming society in medieval times.]

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Well. Uh...

[Hank is baffled. Is this as weird as her being half horse, her not knowing how to be friends with animals? Hank's been having a hard time with weird shit lately so it's probably better if he doesn't seriously try to figure out the answer to that. But wondering is definitely putting a pretty confused expression on his face.]

Yeah, I guess. But it's more than that. You uh... protect them. You know? Eating them would be like, so far out of the realm of possibility it wouldn't even be a question. So. I guess you've never really had a pet at all? Not even the chickens?

[lumberlady]

... Then, no.

[You don't ever eat them? Sounds fake.]

I'm not a princess you know- I heard they have little fluffy animals that sit on pillows and eat better than most men do. That's a "pet" I guess, but... every animal in my village has a purpose.

[Dogs for hunting, goats for milk, chickens for eggs, horses for transport, cats for killing mice in the granary...]

[fuck1ngusernam3]

[Hank stares at her, again.]

...That's weird.

[Yeah. He's calling it. Hank, the arbiter of weird, has made his judgement.]

Besides, Sumo totally has a purpose.

[Hank stares at Sumo, now, and spends a moment trying to figure out what to say that won't sound stupid.]

Or, you know, if he doesn't, he has as much of a purpose here as I do.

[lumberlady]

You said he doesn't hunt, though, right?

[So... what's the purpose?

Konoha looks at Sumo expectantly, head cocked, as if he could answer the question for her. He was nice, and fluffy, and sweet, but.

She still isn't quite used to thinking an animal... didn't do something.]

[fuck1ngusernam3]

Well, yeah. But I don't hunt either, and I don't see anyone bitching about that.

[Hank's confusion has an air of defensiveness now. It's not like he thinks she's going to like, throw Sumo out for not being useful or anything - especially not when he's putting a paw down in front of her being all cute and shit, kind of patting the mattress a couple times, all expectant and probably already a little spoiled. Yeah, feeding him meat was a bad idea.]

[lumberlady]

Don't you hunt, um- Criminals?

[She feels like she remembers that being the story Connor had told about his and Hank's job.

... Damn it, Sumo. How is she not supposed to try and shake his paws???]

[fuck1ngusernam3]

[Hank squints at her, bemused. For a second he and his dog share a mood; the paw shaking isn't what Sumo was after, and he looks down at her doing it with what looks to Hank like confusion.]

Well, yeah. Sometimes, I guess. When you put it that way. But that doesn't make me more, uh... I don't know, productive, than my dog. Sumo, uh-

[What exactly does Sumo do? Hank can't really think of anything besides, 'get fur everywhere' and 'lays on me when I'm too tired to fight back', and the fact that neither of those things seem like what she's looking for makes his voice a teeny tiny bit defensive.]

He hangs out. That's enough, you know? He's a good dog. Besides, you talk to the other guys at the station, they'll tell you just how much 'criminal hunting' I do.

[Hank huffs, sounding more bitter than amused. Maybe he shouldn't have added that last part. Maybe, if he felt a little better right now, he wouldn't of. But it kind of just came out, and it's true, anyway, so. Fuck it.]

[lumberlady]

Only Connor is here, though, so I can't talk to them... ?

[So what... Would they say... ?

Konoha shakes Sumo's paws a moment, unfurling her fingers to look at his paws in her dark palms now that she has the actual luxury of interacting with a dog that didn't seem to consider her a prey animal, a doe to be chased through the woods and bitten into.

He looks so confused, though, so-

She spoils him, using Astoria's power for another hunk of venison to offer the dog.]